Father or Dad?

On Father's Day, I saw a number of memes in Facebook that announce how wonderful it is to have a Dad, and not just a Father. They are calling attention to the fact that being a biological contributor is different than being Dad. Most males can sire a child; many choose to become Dad.

My dad was a complicated man in many ways. His parents were not demonstrative with emotions so Dad always found that somewhat challenging. I often feared that his love was conditional, that I would do something to make him stop loving me. He never did. In fact, when I was seeing a counselor once, he assured me that it would not change things for him if I needed to hate him as I came to a resolution on certain issues. He recognized that, although he had done his best, he had probably been the cause of some of the issues. More than anything else, that statement helped me realize that, even though he could not show it, his love truly was unconditional.

My dad was quite opinionated and a very forceful personality. In order to feel more secure, I had to work hard to become independent and not look to him for answers and support. He still gave support, but I learned I could do what I thought was right even when he disagreed with me. For example, I chose to be home with my daughter for the first few years of her life. I contributed to our finances by giving piano and guitar lessons and providing daycare for a friend. I also did some freelance paralegal work. I did not make as much as I had when working full time, but I felt my responsibility as a mom was more important than the extra money. Dad disagreed. He actually told me that anyone could care for her, but no one else could make my contribution. He was quite happy when I chose to return to the corporate world for a few years, and again disapproving when I dropped out to homeschool and run my own business.

In spite of our disagreements, there was never any question that my father was a 'dad.' While he did not attend my sporting events or concerts, he gave me opportunities and encouragement in expanding my horizons and allowing me to take risks. Mom and Dad let me fly to Georgia on my own to attend the Southeastern Language Center at UGA when I was 14. When my cousin married in Seattle, I flew by myself to attend the wedding because no one else in my family could get away. I spent 8 weeks after high school graduation in Europe with a friend-with no parents around. They did not take me to college, I flew out on my own and settled in. They helped me develop confidence that I was capable and could handle whatever came my way.
 
We have political financial policies in place that discourage Dads in low income families from being active participants. For 50 years now, we have encouraged the development of single parent families and discouraged the responsibility of Dad. We are reaping the harvest in children with no male role model, in families discouraged to move out of welfare because the costs will be prohibitive, and a culture that wrings its hands at the difficulties of life. When most families had a Dad, although life was not idyllic, it had a better chance to approach a positive direction. Now, the challenges just continue to increase.

I am old-fashioned in feeling that children do better in a family with a Mom and a Dad. My personal preference is that Mom be female and Dad male, but that is only my preference. If both Mom and Dad are of the same sex, that is their own business not mine. I love seeing a family where children have the support, encouragement, and love of at least two parents. With so many blended families and non-traditional families, children can end up with three, four, or more loving Moms and Dads. I think the more loving role models we have for children, the better the chances that they can grow up to be relatively healthy, productive, and happy people. So, with Father's Day yesterday, I am happy to celebrate all Dads who provide love and happiness for the children in their lives.   




 

Memorial Day and love

Greater love hath no man than that he lay down his life for another. Memorial Day in the US celebrates those that have paid that ultimate sacrifice that me may enjoy the freedoms and blessings of living here. The families that lost these love ones also made that ultimate sacrifice-their lives were forever changed.

Yesterday, I spoke at church on charity. I did not talk about charitable acts or contributions, but mostly on charity as an active form of love. In a variety of scriptures, we are promised many blessings and protection as we exercise charity or develop the pure love of Christ. One of the scriptural definitions of charity is the pure love of Christ.

When we are able to love others as Christ loves us, we are demonstrating His love. When we accept others, with their quirks and foibles, and can love them anyway, we are learning to love as He loves.

Those that have given their lives to allow us to live ours have demonstrated that charity. This includes soldiers, first responders, and others that lay down their lives to save others. Those attempting to help in Nepal after the disastrous earthquake are examples of that love. Those lost, such as the helicopter squad, paid the ultimate price for their service.

As we enjoy our freedoms, perhaps with parades, barbecues, or the 'unofficial' start to summer, let us remember and give thanks to those who have made this celebration possible. We are truly blessed by their love and sacrifice.

Lifelong Learning

Are you a life-long learner or did you decide you had learned all you needed to when you finished school? If you quit learning long ago, you might want to rethink that strategy. Learning does not need to take place in a classroom, but, for optimal brain health, you want to continue to learn an challenge your brain.

I went to college for a liberal arts education. Shortly after graduating, I realized that, although i had done well, there were still too many areas of knowledge where I knew too little to be truly educated. We purchased The Harvard Classics and The Great Books. I read most of the latter and about half of the former. This took about two years. As I finished this project, I felt much better educated about both Western thought and literature. Since I had studied primarily Asian history in college, I felt this helped round out my formal education.

The various careers I have pursued have all required classes and training. A career in information technology requires acquisition of new skills at least annually, if not more often. Changes in technology can be very challenging and can keep your brain sharp. Things change so quickly, that this requirement for updating knowledge is true in every field.

Other ways to continue to learn might be in skill areas such as new crafts, music, gardening, cooking, or other hobbies. Just like with our muscles, are brains are designed for challenge. If we don't challenge our capacities, we may find them diminishing. I regularly experiment with new recipes. I like to do puzzles which challenge my brain in different ways. O do a fair amount of studying on a regular basis. And my new hobby of writing definitely challenges both my language skills and my creativity.

Lifelong learning is not only important to us, it is also important the those of younger generations around us. School may not be the most important place to teach children how to learn; that may be the home. If parents model learning, children may incorporate its importance in their own lives. Mastering a new skill is as important when one if 50 or 80 as it was when one was 10. I continue to practice foreign language skills so as not to completely lose the competence I have gained. I am no longer fluent, but I can still get by in them. At different times, I actually study them again so as to try to improve.

Lifelong learning and challenges lead to a joyful life. Seize every opportunity to expand your horizons. You won't regret it.

 

Reach for your dreams

As I was thinking about this blog post about reaching for your dreams, the following quote came through my RSS news feed:
 
"You can't do it unless you can imagine it." George Lucas

If we don't know which target we are aiming for, we are unlikely to hit it. When we are children, we experiment with a variety of dreams and goals. We want to be a policeman, fireman, cowboy, doctor, astronaut, and on and on. If we are lucky, we spent our days living in our imagination. We played a variety of make-believe games which helped us find our passions. Once I became a big reader, I know that almost every book I enjoyed became a vehicle for play. My friends and I used the Little House books, Hans Brinker, and a variety of books about the Oregon trail pioneers as a framework for play. Our swimming pool was a beach on an island after reading the Lost Stallion books. My Barbies crossed the plains in covered wagons. Occasionally, a television show provided the framework-Robin Hood, Flicka, and Sky King reruns were very helpful.

As I grew older, my reading expanded while the play decreased. I imagined myself in the context of the book, and I became an avid re-reader as a way to spend time with favorite characters. Internet sites devoted to fan fiction are a perfect fit for someone like me who likes to revisit books and characters.

What does this have to do with reaching for your dreams? As I matured, and went through the process of trying to figure out what my dreams really were, I found it harder and harder to determine what they were. Part of this was from being told, "No, you don't want to do that," and part was from my own insecurities. I was afraid of failure. Had I pursued the few dreams I could still feel, I might have failed. It was safer to ignore them, and find a way to enjoy them without pursuing the dream. My fear was stronger than the dream.

I enjoyed a variety of jobs and careers over the years. They all provided challenges, satisfaction, and opportunities for growth. None of them were things I had dreamed of doing when I was younger, but I do not regret pursuing them. In fact, some of them I truly loved, and I am glad for what I learned. As I embrace the current phase of my life where I am mostly retired, I have examined those early dreams to try to recapture some of that young passion. What emerged, which has been hidden since about the 5th grade, was writing.

I wrote a number of short mysteries when I was in 4th and 5th grade. They were based on different series I had read, but were my own stories and characters. I do not know what happened to make me stop, but I do remember spending a fair amount of time for about a year and a half writing stories. Fan fiction opened a way to begin writing creatively again.

I spend a good part of my week writing stories. I have finished (and published at www.dwiggie.com) two books based on Jane Austen characters so far. I have one being published now, and an additional two under construction. I also have one under construction that is not fan-fiction but original. If sitting at the computer were not unhealthy, I could write all day long every day. It is as satisfying for me as reading a book, and it is more intellectually challenging. May of the writers at this site publish their work as traditional or e-books. I do not know if I will ever move to that, but for now, I am reawakening the passion in me to create.

Most of us have a need to create. In the past, I have created through crafting, through cooking, through gardening, and through decorating. I have a need for creative expression, and right now, that need is being met through writing. I have friends and family who not only do not love their jobs, they do not even like them. They get little to no satisfaction, only a paycheck. If you find yourself in that situation, you need to find that passion outside of the workplace, whether at home or in a group. Perhaps you sing in a choral group, or you play on a sporting team. As a child, I loved learning the various crafts my mother explored over the years. I did not master most of them, but I loved doing them with mom: decoupage, mosaic, crewel, embroidery, knitting, crochet, painting/antiquing, and sewing were some of the avenues we explored.

It is wonderful to watch my niece explore a number of crafts with her new business, Hilary's Crafty Designs. It is obvious she has found a wonderful way to reach for her dreams. If you find yourself in a rut, perhaps it is time for you to reassess what dreams have been missing from your life. Then challenge yourself to reach for them once again. It will be worth it.

Power and Control and abuse

In the normal course of things, I do not regularly come across any of the variety of situations that represent different types of abuse. However, just lately, they have cropped up on a number of occasions. As I have discussed these with the Pro, it became apparent that he was really only aware of physical abuse. He never really encountered or understood that these other forms of abuse can be as harmful.

I copied this Power and Control wheel from the National Center on Domestic and Sexual Violence. It gives a good summary of many different forms of abuse. A bruise can be obvious; the scar from one of the other forms far less so and often harder to heal.

As I was chatting with someone who was struggling in a relationship, she recognized that most of these were taking place in the relationship. I discussed it with someone else who saw that it was going on with the children in the family. Not all domestic violence is between spouses/partners. Sometimes, the non-physical abuse between parents and children is just as destructive.





































What is missing from this wheel is a component of what they call "male privilege" that can often be found in a religious setting. The authority of the religion is invoked when the decision is removed from the recipient. When it is parent/child, it really is a positional privilege and is committed by either parent. Even as they mature, the child is not allowed to make choices or define himself/herself. 

I watched one family many years ago where, as each child reached the age of 16, they left the home and chose to rebel against their religion as practices by the parents. In church, we frequently talk of our agency or free will but these parents refused to grant the ability to exercise that in any way in the home. They were the only ones who could choose. As a result, each child chose a complete break with the parents once they were old enough to leave home. They did so even though they were still in high school. It was sad to see. I had been friends with one of the girls in the family until she left.

All this abuse is about trying to exert control over another, whether that is the partner or the child. It probably stems from some sort of insecurity, but it also cannot be tolerated. As various organizations are trying to stop the violence and stop us from looking the other way, we also need to remember to look beyond the obvious physical violence to these others. They can be very insidious and hard to see. Remember the old movie, Gaslight? A determined person can often convince someone that they are only imagining what is going on. The flippant joke is just because you are paranoid does not mean they are not out to get you. Abuse is not a joke, it is not love, it is not caring. It is all about power and control. Let's stamp it out.