Monday, December 28, 2015

Why resolutions can help us move forward

Do you make resolutions for the new year? Are they always the same-get healthier, go to the gym, lose weight, save more? I find the review of the year and setting of goals for the next to be very helpful. I try to set at least one goal in different areas, which I then break down into more manageable chunks over the course of the year. I try to have goals for physical, spiritual, and mental health, financial goals, and relationship goals.

I need my resolutions to be very specific. They may carry over for a number of years until they become habits or they may last only a month or two. For example, I read uplifting material every morning when I get up. It took many years to get this established as a habit. Now, I find I need it to start my day right, so, while it is no longer a separate resolution, it is part of my standard routine.  I have increased this reading to about thirty minutes each morning.

One year, I made a resolution to stop piling stuff up on the bathroom counter. I am a clutterer and it was just too easy to make piles of things on the counter. That year, I managed to break that habit. Although I still make little piles, I also put them away more quickly than I used to. I no longer focus on that goal, but it does stay at the back of my mind. I set other goals about the house to try to give at least a little order to my day.

A few years ago, rather than eat better, I set a goal to eat more real food. I have always cooked most of the food, but now, even less comes from any kind of package. Most of the produce is fresh with just a little frozen. This change has meant that I spend less money for food and more time to prepare it. It is fresher and healthier. We occasionally try something different, like Hello Fresh, and enjoy the challenge of something different. However, hubby is not terribly fond of exotic flavors, so that is an occasional treat.

When I quit working at the dance studio, I recognized that I required a regular workout routine in order to feel good. Over the years, I have also realized that this helps me to maintain my mental health as well. What the routine is changes, but trying to work out at least 5 days each week does not.

My current workout goals are: MWF-weights followed by dance, yoga, and pilates routines; TTS-full body workout routines also followed by dance, yoga, and pilates routines. These all work on strength, cardio, and flexibility. As a result, in many ways, I am stronger and more flexible than twenty years ago. 

I do not wait until January 1 to make a change or set a goal. During the course of the year, if I see an area where I would like to make a change, I try to work on it. However, as the year changes over, I find it helpful to assess my progress and which resolutions should continue, which need some tweaking, and which need to be discarded.

I find the process of self-assessment and review very helpful. If I am honest with myself, I can see where I have made progress, where I need to focus, and can move forward in an optimistic frame of mind. As a result, the years only keep getting better. May 2016 be your best year yet.

Monday, December 21, 2015

Holiday season reflections

The end of the year is often a time of reflection. We think about those we love as we try to determine what would be a perfect present. We attend holiday parties-and try not to gain too much weight as we enjoy holiday treats. Many of us spend time considering what we have accomplished and what we plan for the upcoming year.

How did I do? Well, I continued to write and finished two books and have much done on a couple more. Did I finish all I hoped? No, not even close, but I truly enjoyed the journey.

We managed to accomplish a few things around the house. i am pleased at those and excited for some remodeling that is coming soon. Once again, not everything got accomplished, but progress was made.

I offer a great deal of service at church. I am doing the best I can, but as in other areas of my life, I cannot do all I would like. However, I am pleased at the effort and growth. Service offers much opportunity to grow.

I taught a lesson at the beginning of this month about examining our lives and finding areas in which we can simplify. for us this year, I chose not to send out Christmas cards to people who are also friends on Facebook. Although I love cards, trying to get them done can get stressful. So, we sent very few this year.

Holiday traditions can become overwhelming. For years, we have received new sleepware on Christmas Eve. However, we both have all that we need. So now, we simply wrap something we already have and open that on Christmas Eve. We've modified the tradition to fit our current situation.

Some years, we try to visit many family members. Other years, we stay home or visit only one. This year, we are doing some visiting, but we are keeping the visits short. It is not that we do not want to see everyone, we are simply trying to simplify our lives.

I see people complaining about the commercialization of Christmas and the need to put Christ back into Christmas. This is not a new complaint. Since the Catholic church co-opted the pagan solstice celebrations, Christmas celebrations have been only peripherally been about worship. They started as big parties and continue in that tradition. This tradition is why the Puritans banned the celebration-it wasn't about worship at all. The secular tradition is an important to the history of Christmas as the religious is. Given the dichotomy of our world, that is probably as it should be.

Any celebration that causes us to reflect on the blessings in our lives is truly reason to celebrate. I love Christmas music and am grateful that every year, more is written and performed. I love it, from medieval to modern, classical to big band to rock and almost everything in between. For me, it is an affirmation of my belief in a Savior and the hope that brings for the future. However, I also appreciate the other seasonal celebrations as well. 

I love that we can celebrate Thanksgiving as a prelude to a holiday which causes me to feel so well-blessed. Life is a wonderful blessing, even with all of its challenges, messiness, and difficulties. At this season, I am grateful to look back on the journey as I plan for where I would like to head in the coming year. I plan to finalize a few resolutions to work on in the coming year before the end of the month. I do this each year as I take stock, but do not limit my ability to make changes in my life only to this changing of year. As I see an opportunity to make a change, I try to start then. Resolutions to me are goals that help me see the direction I would like to take.

I hope your holiday season is full of love and fun and that 2016 is your best year yet.
 

Monday, November 23, 2015

Gratitude






For the entire month of November, I have been posting various memes on Facebook about gratitude. We all have so much for which to be grateful but frequently are so busy that we do not take the time to acknowledge the wonder of our lives.


As I start my day, I try to consider the many blessings I enjoy and thank God for them. Then, no matter how bad my day may get, I have at least started the day in a positive way. It is sort of like depositing something good into my account which I can withdraw later in the day if necessary, a buffer against the little challenges we all face.

At church, we are frequently told that developing an attitude of gratitude can help us be happier. Non-religious studies have documented the truth of that belief. I love how Facebook can enable us to find a variety of ways in which people are expressing gratitude. I know there is much that is not pleasant that is shared, but much can also be uplifting.

We had a potluck Thanksgiving dinner which was tremendous. I shared this picture before the dinner, but it actually is a good reflection of the wide range of foods that people brought to share. The food was excellent, but the friendship and socializing was even better.
 
 As we now prepare for Thanksgiving dinner, I hope we can consider how abundantly blessed we truly are. Even if we are lacking in material gifts, we live in a world of beauty which we can experience on a daily basis. We have friends or family we can love, and if we do not, there are always strangers who can be served and become new friends.

As we celebrate this week, let us also make a resolution to continue giving thanks regularly after the holiday has passed. After all, who cannot benefit from more happiness in their life?




 

Monday, October 19, 2015

Handling Change

There are always changes going on all around us. Sometimes, the changes others experience also impact us or those with whom we engage. How we handle change, particularly the communications around it, can have a big impact on how others react.

I recently read a post about handling a termination at work. It got me thinking similar situations I have faced. I went through a downsizing where we spent a great deal of time assessing and grading all of our employees. Then, we spent over two days comparing them across groups and deciding which ones we could keep and who would be finding another employment opportunity elsewhere. It was incredibly stressful. What was also hard was that we knew similar actions were going on above us. I do not think anyone enjoyed the process. I had to lay off one employee when we were through. I have followed him on LinkedIn since and know that things worked out well for him. One of the issues was what should be communicated to everyone else. I think it took a number of years for the organization to recover.

A few years ago, I earned a sabbatical at work. This was another period when changes were being considered. Although I was off work for eight weeks and was not supposed to check in, my manager called to tell me that the site at which I was working was closing down. I could transfer (although not back where I had started but to another location) or choose a lay off. After a lot of pondering, we chose the lay off. It was a good choice as I ended up in a wonderful position elsewhere just a couple of months later. There had been more open communication about the possible site closure, so this was not as stressful as the previous time.

Almost all of the work done in my church is done by members of the congregation. We are not paid for our efforts, and we generally don't volunteer. Our leaders prayerfully consider and then ask us if we will accept the position for an unspecified period of time. I have enjoyed some of my positions and some, well, not so much. My favorite was being in the nursery with the toddlers. When changes come, they are announced at the beginning of our meeting. In this way, the entire congregation is aware of the change. Usually, when someone is released from a position, someone replaces them at the same time. This allows for smoother transitions and usually less time for speculation on what is going to happen. However, as with a job, sometimes there is a lot of angst when people begin to speculate on what might happen.

In almost every situation, it seems to me that open communications for all things not confidential provides the best opportunity for a positive outcome. Within a family, it is easier for all to be involved in consideration for a move. It might only involve the parents if a job change is in the works. However, if it includes changing locations as well, you seem to get a better buy in from the rest of the family if they are also involved. If if is a job transfer, you may just have to go-but maybe everyone can be involved in choosing a new home or apartment, in which part of the new city, etc. Part of the issue with change is the feeling of powerlessness. Powerlessness equals stress. If you feel some degree of control and choice, the stress decreases.

Personally, when a major change is going on, I spend a lot of time in meditation trying to determine how best to handle it. I may visit the temple or fast if I feel I am not getting the answers I need. Generally, I get a confirmation that removes much of the stress. If we do not find a way to positively handle change, the stress will take a toll on our health. I allowed it to do so when I was younger but am glad I have learned better coping mechanisms since.

Monday, July 27, 2015

Charity never faileth

The motto for the Relief Society of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is "Charity never faileth." This is the organization of all adult women of the church.



This comes from the description of love or charity in 1 Corinthians 13:8. In some more modern translations of The Bible, Charity is translated as Love. How do we see this motto operating in our lives? I have seen it in so many ways this past year as I have been president of the organization in my ward at church.

We have had a few funerals and memorial services. That is to be expected in a congregation that includes a couple of nursing/retirement homes and with significant numbers of members well into their nineties. We pull together in these times to comfort and feed the living, and to remember the deceased. For each service, the women I work with have helped set up, provided food, and cleaned up when everything was done. Sometimes we were able to sit through the service, sometimes we were in the kitchen listening. In all cases, the service was done with love.

Visiting teachers in Relief Society are assigned to watch over every adult woman. In the best of cases, they become friends. A woman who encounters a challenge can call upon her visiting teacher to ask for assistance and knows that someone will help. If the need is greater than the visiting teacher can meet, she contacts me or one of my counselors to coordinate additional assistance. We have two women who coordinate a variety of compassionate services, from meals at the funerals, to meals or help in the home for those who are ill. I know we can call on almost anyone at church and, if they are able they will provide assistance.

In other cases, the women do not become friends, but even so, they still care for each other and meet the needs of the sisters they visit. We try to set it up so that everyone has two visiting teachers who visit together, but that is not always possible. In our congregation, there are over 160 women to visit, and there are about forty women who are available to visit. Some work so many hours, they can only visit one or two. Others have a little more flexibility. But, if they visit in pairs, that means twenty pairs to visit eight women each-that's a little overwhelming.

Many of the women we have stewardship to watch over no longer come to church. they have not disassociated themselves, but they no longer feel the need to attend. Some of them welcome visits, others do not. Those that do not have visiting teachers who send a note instead of visiting in person. Others have moved and are visited by friends or family through Facebook or by phone. My goal is that all of these women know that there is someone at church they could call upon if a need arose.

One aspect of my job as president is to try to search out the lost sheep-those who no longer join our fellowship but have not chosen to have their names removed from membership. I hope we can love them back into participating. We send birthday cards to everyone and when someone moves, they eventually are returned as unforwardable. then, I spend time online doing research to see if I can locate them. In the past year, I have been able to find new addresses for about twenty women. Since I use free resources, it takes about a year after they move before I can get an updated address. I am grateful for these various search engines that help me locate the lost sheep. If all of the visiting teachers could visit in person, this would be a lot easier. However, that is not always possible. I also ask our sister missionaries to visit some of the unknown each month. Sometimes they are welcomed, sometimes not. My goal is that everyone gets a live visit once or twice a year-even the half dozen who are not really receptive.

Charity is so much more than donating unwanted clothes or a few dollars to a good cause. Those new translations that call it love are correct. True charity is love as Christ loves us. As we grow closer to the Savior, we hope to grow more like him. Showing love as he does is one way to demonstrate that growth. I know this calling has helped me grow in love and service. I am grateful that we have an organization that tries to live the motto and looks to love. I am also grateful for a ward family in which to learn to better serve and love.

Monday, June 22, 2015

Father or Dad?

On Father's Day, I saw a number of memes in Facebook that announce how wonderful it is to have a Dad, and not just a Father. They are calling attention to the fact that being a biological contributor is different than being Dad. Most males can sire a child; many choose to become Dad.



My dad was a complicated man in many ways. His parents were not demonstrative with emotions so Dad always found that somewhat challenging. I often feared that his love was conditional, that I would do something to make him stop loving me. He never did. In fact, when I was seeing a counselor once, he assured me that it would not change things for him if I needed to hate him as I came to a resolution on certain issues. He recognized that, although he had done his best, he had probably been the cause of some of the issues. More than anything else, that statement helped me realize that, even though he could not show it, his love truly was unconditional.

My dad was quite opinionated and a very forceful personality. In order to feel more secure, I had to work hard to become independent and not look to him for answers and support. He still gave support, but I learned I could do what I thought was right even when he disagreed with me. For example, I chose to be home with my daughter for the first few years of her life. I contributed to our finances by giving piano and guitar lessons and providing daycare for a friend. I also did some freelance paralegal work. I did not make as much as I had when working full time, but I felt my responsibility as a mom was more important than the extra money. Dad disagreed. He actually told me that anyone could care for her, but no one else could make my contribution. He was quite happy when I chose to return to the corporate world for a few years, and again disapproving when I dropped out to homeschool and run my own business.

In spite of our disagreements, there was never any question that my father was a 'dad.' While he did not attend my sporting events or concerts, he gave me opportunities and encouragement in expanding my horizons and allowing me to take risks. Mom and Dad let me fly to Georgia on my own to attend the Southeastern Language Center at UGA when I was 14. When my cousin married in Seattle, I flew by myself to attend the wedding because no one else in my family could get away. I spent 8 weeks after high school graduation in Europe with a friend-with no parents around. They did not take me to college, I flew out on my own and settled in. They helped me develop confidence that I was capable and could handle whatever came my way.
 
We have political financial policies in place that discourage Dads in low income families from being active participants. For 50 years now, we have encouraged the development of single parent families and discouraged the responsibility of Dad. We are reaping the harvest in children with no male role model, in families discouraged to move out of welfare because the costs will be prohibitive, and a culture that wrings its hands at the difficulties of life. When most families had a Dad, although life was not idyllic, it had a better chance to approach a positive direction. Now, the challenges just continue to increase.

I am old-fashioned in feeling that children do better in a family with a Mom and a Dad. My personal preference is that Mom be female and Dad male, but that is only my preference. If both Mom and Dad are of the same sex, that is their own business not mine. I love seeing a family where children have the support, encouragement, and love of at least two parents. With so many blended families and non-traditional families, children can end up with three, four, or more loving Moms and Dads. I think the more loving role models we have for children, the better the chances that they can grow up to be relatively healthy, productive, and happy people. So, with Father's Day yesterday, I am happy to celebrate all Dads who provide love and happiness for the children in their lives.   




 

Monday, May 25, 2015

Memorial Day and love

Greater love hath no man than that he lay down his life for another. Memorial Day in the US celebrates those that have paid that ultimate sacrifice that me may enjoy the freedoms and blessings of living here. The families that lost these love ones also made that ultimate sacrifice-their lives were forever changed.

Yesterday, I spoke at church on charity. I did not talk about charitable acts or contributions, but mostly on charity as an active form of love. In a variety of scriptures, we are promised many blessings and protection as we exercise charity or develop the pure love of Christ. One of the scriptural definitions of charity is the pure love of Christ.

When we are able to love others as Christ loves us, we are demonstrating His love. When we accept others, with their quirks and foibles, and can love them anyway, we are learning to love as He loves.

Those that have given their lives to allow us to live ours have demonstrated that charity. This includes soldiers, first responders, and others that lay down their lives to save others. Those attempting to help in Nepal after the disastrous earthquake are examples of that love. Those lost, such as the helicopter squad, paid the ultimate price for their service.

As we enjoy our freedoms, perhaps with parades, barbecues, or the 'unofficial' start to summer, let us remember and give thanks to those who have made this celebration possible. We are truly blessed by their love and sacrifice.

Monday, May 11, 2015

Lifelong Learning

Are you a life-long learner or did you decide you had learned all you needed to when you finished school? If you quit learning long ago, you might want to rethink that strategy. Learning does not need to take place in a classroom, but, for optimal brain health, you want to continue to learn an challenge your brain.

I went to college for a liberal arts education. Shortly after graduating, I realized that, although i had done well, there were still too many areas of knowledge where I knew too little to be truly educated. We purchased The Harvard Classics and The Great Books. I read most of the latter and about half of the former. This took about two years. As I finished this project, I felt much better educated about both Western thought and literature. Since I had studied primarily Asian history in college, I felt this helped round out my formal education.

The various careers I have pursued have all required classes and training. A career in information technology requires acquisition of new skills at least annually, if not more often. Changes in technology can be very challenging and can keep your brain sharp. Things change so quickly, that this requirement for updating knowledge is true in every field.

Other ways to continue to learn might be in skill areas such as new crafts, music, gardening, cooking, or other hobbies. Just like with our muscles, are brains are designed for challenge. If we don't challenge our capacities, we may find them diminishing. I regularly experiment with new recipes. I like to do puzzles which challenge my brain in different ways. O do a fair amount of studying on a regular basis. And my new hobby of writing definitely challenges both my language skills and my creativity.

Lifelong learning is not only important to us, it is also important the those of younger generations around us. School may not be the most important place to teach children how to learn; that may be the home. If parents model learning, children may incorporate its importance in their own lives. Mastering a new skill is as important when one if 50 or 80 as it was when one was 10. I continue to practice foreign language skills so as not to completely lose the competence I have gained. I am no longer fluent, but I can still get by in them. At different times, I actually study them again so as to try to improve.

Lifelong learning and challenges lead to a joyful life. Seize every opportunity to expand your horizons. You won't regret it.

 

Monday, May 4, 2015

Reach for your dreams

As I was thinking about this blog post about reaching for your dreams, the following quote came through my RSS news feed:
 
"You can't do it unless you can imagine it." George Lucas

If we don't know which target we are aiming for, we are unlikely to hit it. When we are children, we experiment with a variety of dreams and goals. We want to be a policeman, fireman, cowboy, doctor, astronaut, and on and on. If we are lucky, we spent our days living in our imagination. We played a variety of make-believe games which helped us find our passions. Once I became a big reader, I know that almost every book I enjoyed became a vehicle for play. My friends and I used the Little House books, Hans Brinker, and a variety of books about the Oregon trail pioneers as a framework for play. Our swimming pool was a beach on an island after reading the Lost Stallion books. My Barbies crossed the plains in covered wagons. Occasionally, a television show provided the framework-Robin Hood, Flicka, and Sky King reruns were very helpful.

As I grew older, my reading expanded while the play decreased. I imagined myself in the context of the book, and I became an avid re-reader as a way to spend time with favorite characters. Internet sites devoted to fan fiction are a perfect fit for someone like me who likes to revisit books and characters.

What does this have to do with reaching for your dreams? As I matured, and went through the process of trying to figure out what my dreams really were, I found it harder and harder to determine what they were. Part of this was from being told, "No, you don't want to do that," and part was from my own insecurities. I was afraid of failure. Had I pursued the few dreams I could still feel, I might have failed. It was safer to ignore them, and find a way to enjoy them without pursuing the dream. My fear was stronger than the dream.

I enjoyed a variety of jobs and careers over the years. They all provided challenges, satisfaction, and opportunities for growth. None of them were things I had dreamed of doing when I was younger, but I do not regret pursuing them. In fact, some of them I truly loved, and I am glad for what I learned. As I embrace the current phase of my life where I am mostly retired, I have examined those early dreams to try to recapture some of that young passion. What emerged, which has been hidden since about the 5th grade, was writing.

I wrote a number of short mysteries when I was in 4th and 5th grade. They were based on different series I had read, but were my own stories and characters. I do not know what happened to make me stop, but I do remember spending a fair amount of time for about a year and a half writing stories. Fan fiction opened a way to begin writing creatively again.

I spend a good part of my week writing stories. I have finished (and published at www.dwiggie.com) two books based on Jane Austen characters so far. I have one being published now, and an additional two under construction. I also have one under construction that is not fan-fiction but original. If sitting at the computer were not unhealthy, I could write all day long every day. It is as satisfying for me as reading a book, and it is more intellectually challenging. May of the writers at this site publish their work as traditional or e-books. I do not know if I will ever move to that, but for now, I am reawakening the passion in me to create.

Most of us have a need to create. In the past, I have created through crafting, through cooking, through gardening, and through decorating. I have a need for creative expression, and right now, that need is being met through writing. I have friends and family who not only do not love their jobs, they do not even like them. They get little to no satisfaction, only a paycheck. If you find yourself in that situation, you need to find that passion outside of the workplace, whether at home or in a group. Perhaps you sing in a choral group, or you play on a sporting team. As a child, I loved learning the various crafts my mother explored over the years. I did not master most of them, but I loved doing them with mom: decoupage, mosaic, crewel, embroidery, knitting, crochet, painting/antiquing, and sewing were some of the avenues we explored.

It is wonderful to watch my niece explore a number of crafts with her new business, Hilary's Crafty Designs. It is obvious she has found a wonderful way to reach for her dreams. If you find yourself in a rut, perhaps it is time for you to reassess what dreams have been missing from your life. Then challenge yourself to reach for them once again. It will be worth it.

Monday, March 9, 2015

Power and Control and abuse

In the normal course of things, I do not regularly come across any of the variety of situations that represent different types of abuse. However, just lately, they have cropped up on a number of occasions. As I have discussed these with the Pro, it became apparent that he was really only aware of physical abuse. He never really encountered or understood that these other forms of abuse can be as harmful.

I copied this Power and Control wheel from the National Center on Domestic and Sexual Violence. It gives a good summary of many different forms of abuse. A bruise can be obvious; the scar from one of the other forms far less so and often harder to heal.

As I was chatting with someone who was struggling in a relationship, she recognized that most of these were taking place in the relationship. I discussed it with someone else who saw that it was going on with the children in the family. Not all domestic violence is between spouses/partners. Sometimes, the non-physical abuse between parents and children is just as destructive.





































What is missing from this wheel is a component of what they call "male privilege" that can often be found in a religious setting. The authority of the religion is invoked when the decision is removed from the recipient. When it is parent/child, it really is a positional privilege and is committed by either parent. Even as they mature, the child is not allowed to make choices or define himself/herself. 

I watched one family many years ago where, as each child reached the age of 16, they left the home and chose to rebel against their religion as practices by the parents. In church, we frequently talk of our agency or free will but these parents refused to grant the ability to exercise that in any way in the home. They were the only ones who could choose. As a result, each child chose a complete break with the parents once they were old enough to leave home. They did so even though they were still in high school. It was sad to see. I had been friends with one of the girls in the family until she left.

All this abuse is about trying to exert control over another, whether that is the partner or the child. It probably stems from some sort of insecurity, but it also cannot be tolerated. As various organizations are trying to stop the violence and stop us from looking the other way, we also need to remember to look beyond the obvious physical violence to these others. They can be very insidious and hard to see. Remember the old movie, Gaslight? A determined person can often convince someone that they are only imagining what is going on. The flippant joke is just because you are paranoid does not mean they are not out to get you. Abuse is not a joke, it is not love, it is not caring. It is all about power and control. Let's stamp it out.

Monday, February 16, 2015

Book 2, Almost Persuaded, now complete and thoughts on writing

One of the true benefits of semi-retirement is mental time. I find that I spend far less time reading and more time writing than I could have imagined. Right now, I have four books in progress and have just completed publishing book number two at www.dwiggie.com, The Derbyshire Writers' Guild. They are such a fun, supportive community. I have appreciated their support and comments as I've been publishing this book.

If you are interested in reading Almost Persuaded, you can find it at http://www.dwiggie.com/derby/shannag2.htm. My name on the site is ShannaG.

When I was a child, I indulged in what is now called Fan Fiction, but not by writing down my stories. Instead, I would read a book, and then create a way for my friends and I to relive or adapt the book into an afternoon of play. Once I was reading regularly, many of the books I read served as a framework for such games. 

The discovery of Fan Fiction has been wonderful for me. For years, I would re-read my favorite books because I enjoyed the characters. Now, with fan fiction, I can revisit the characters in different scenarios. That is even better. Some of the authors at this site are truly great. All are quite creative. I have read so many wonderful stories. A side benefit of this is that I am not spending quite as much money on books as I have in the past. Since our budget this year is limited, that is a wonderful benefit.

Creating the story out of imagination is so satisfying. Sometimes, I start with some general ideas and build from there. Other times, I start with the idea of interesting pairings, usually when I am crating a mash-up of more than one Jane Austen novel. For my non-Austen work, I spend a lot of time day dreaming the story before actually getting it written. I do that with the Austen too, but if I am following her general plot, I do not have to work all of that out at first as I do non-Austen stories.

I now wish I had told my daughter more stories of my own when she was younger. Practice would have been a good thing. However, I am getting that practice now.

 
 

Monday, February 2, 2015

New Year's Resolutions-Already Abandoned?

Now that the first month of the year is gone, have you already abandoned those overly ambitious and vague resolutions? Many of us have. Vague wishes are not truly resolutions that drive change. So, how do we make our changes come to pass? First, they must not just be vague wishes. We have to want them more than that. And we need a definite plan on how to accomplish them. And we cannot give up.

Here is a good reminder from Zig Ziglar's Facebook page.
 

If you really plan to make a change, it will take time. It will take regular effort, if not daily effort, and commitment. You may make progress, then slip back for a while, then continue forward again. If you take the slipping back as the end, you will fail. You must expect that there will be set backs. Simply do a reset and recommit.

If you look at a resolution as something similar to taking a class in something, you do not achieve mastery in the first day. That day, you usually have an overview of what will be studied in the course of the class. Over the next days, weeks, months, with regular effort, you begin to gain some mastery. This is true whether the subject is athletic, academic, artistic; in short, it takes time to learn.

Is your goal to lose weight? If so, you know you did not gain it all in one day, one week, or even one month. You gained gradually over time. It will required changes to lose it again. Those might be diet modifications, exercise and activity modifications, or a combination of both. You might need the support of a group like weight watchers or a weight buddy. You might want to do it on your own. Maybe you want a journal to track your activity and food or an app on your phone. If this is really your goal, research what will work for you, and then implement that change. When you find yourself backsliding, then is the time to recommit, if you really want that goal. If it is merely something nice that you dream about, that isn't a goal and will likely not be achieved.

I have spent most of my working life saving so that I can have a relatively comfortable life in retirement. Most of the time, I have maxed out the 401 k plan, and, where available, the employee stock purchase plans as well. This meant making a conscious choice to live on less than my income. When the income was higher, this was easier than when it was lower. However, I made that choice and lived on the lower income in those years. Compound savings really can add up. I have not reached the dollar goal I set for myself, but I am fairly close.

In my own life, I have vague dreams and well as true goals. I do not consider the vague dreams to be resolutions. I try to create resolutions for the tangible goals. Thus, I have made far more progress in the latter than the former. If you truly want to change, you can find a way. There are resources available. Find them. Enlist them. Make your goals a reality. You can do it.





 

Monday, January 19, 2015

We can choose our reactions

I have been thinking about choices quite a bit lately. I am helping a few people who have made some poor choices earlier in their lives that now limit the choices they have. A little forethought would have suggested the current situation, but they were unable to step outside themselves to analyze the situation and see it. That is true for many of us.

I remember a lesson from a church class long ago that was on choices. One of the points the teacher made is that we can always choose our response. Many self-help books also point this out, so I was already aware of this. What struck me, and why I remember the lesson, was the woman who completely disavowed that capability. She honestly did not believe that she could choose her response to any situation. Her responses were automatic and not under her control. A lively discussion ensued, but she never changed her mind.

After that lesson, I constantly reminded my daughter of that ability to choose a response. I had talked of it before, but I think I really stressed it afterwards. I know she got tired of hearing it when she said, "You make me so mad" and I replied, "No, you are choosing to respond to the situation with anger."

I am grateful I learned to (usually) choose my responses. I may get angry, but I can choose how to manifest that anger. This was what the woman in the lesson could not understand. While the feeling may be automatic (and that too is subject to debate), the reaction is not. If I am angry, I can yell, cry, stew about the injustice and other similar reactions, or I can analyze why I am angry and determine if there is something productive I can do. Does the situation even require a response? Perhaps just detailing why it is upsetting can defuse it. There are books devoted to this subject, probably because so many of us have not learned how to choose reactions.

In one of his talk-tapes, Zig Ziglar jokes that he never accidentally ate any of the ice cream that caused him to gain some excess pounds. And it was no accident that he wasn't exercising enough to counteract that ice cream. It was a decision each time the spoon went into his mouth. Whether we want to take responsibility or not, we are still the one making the choice.

If you are still in doubt, consider this. When my daughter was in her first class in school, at the age of eight and a half, they were to take part in a dodge ball game for gym. She did not want to play and said so to her teacher. The teacher told her she had to, she had no choice. My daughter disagreed and said (something like), "There is always a choice. I can choose to say no. I cannot choose the outcome as you can punish me, but I can choose not to play. I have been taught I can always choose, but that means I am also choosing the outcome I may not like." Her teacher was astonished and called to tell me of this. She had never had someone that age understand that about choices.

I am writing about this because I am seeing so many adults, who should understand this, who seem to have never learned this lesson. They have never developed the self-discipline to actively make important choices, but they do complain about the results of the poor choices they are making. It is an uphill battle to help them move forward, and that only happens if they are in a place where they want to make changes. Sometimes it is easier to complain than change.