Reach for your dreams

As I was thinking about this blog post about reaching for your dreams, the following quote came through my RSS news feed:
 
"You can't do it unless you can imagine it." George Lucas

If we don't know which target we are aiming for, we are unlikely to hit it. When we are children, we experiment with a variety of dreams and goals. We want to be a policeman, fireman, cowboy, doctor, astronaut, and on and on. If we are lucky, we spent our days living in our imagination. We played a variety of make-believe games which helped us find our passions. Once I became a big reader, I know that almost every book I enjoyed became a vehicle for play. My friends and I used the Little House books, Hans Brinker, and a variety of books about the Oregon trail pioneers as a framework for play. Our swimming pool was a beach on an island after reading the Lost Stallion books. My Barbies crossed the plains in covered wagons. Occasionally, a television show provided the framework-Robin Hood, Flicka, and Sky King reruns were very helpful.

As I grew older, my reading expanded while the play decreased. I imagined myself in the context of the book, and I became an avid re-reader as a way to spend time with favorite characters. Internet sites devoted to fan fiction are a perfect fit for someone like me who likes to revisit books and characters.

What does this have to do with reaching for your dreams? As I matured, and went through the process of trying to figure out what my dreams really were, I found it harder and harder to determine what they were. Part of this was from being told, "No, you don't want to do that," and part was from my own insecurities. I was afraid of failure. Had I pursued the few dreams I could still feel, I might have failed. It was safer to ignore them, and find a way to enjoy them without pursuing the dream. My fear was stronger than the dream.

I enjoyed a variety of jobs and careers over the years. They all provided challenges, satisfaction, and opportunities for growth. None of them were things I had dreamed of doing when I was younger, but I do not regret pursuing them. In fact, some of them I truly loved, and I am glad for what I learned. As I embrace the current phase of my life where I am mostly retired, I have examined those early dreams to try to recapture some of that young passion. What emerged, which has been hidden since about the 5th grade, was writing.

I wrote a number of short mysteries when I was in 4th and 5th grade. They were based on different series I had read, but were my own stories and characters. I do not know what happened to make me stop, but I do remember spending a fair amount of time for about a year and a half writing stories. Fan fiction opened a way to begin writing creatively again.

I spend a good part of my week writing stories. I have finished (and published at www.dwiggie.com) two books based on Jane Austen characters so far. I have one being published now, and an additional two under construction. I also have one under construction that is not fan-fiction but original. If sitting at the computer were not unhealthy, I could write all day long every day. It is as satisfying for me as reading a book, and it is more intellectually challenging. May of the writers at this site publish their work as traditional or e-books. I do not know if I will ever move to that, but for now, I am reawakening the passion in me to create.

Most of us have a need to create. In the past, I have created through crafting, through cooking, through gardening, and through decorating. I have a need for creative expression, and right now, that need is being met through writing. I have friends and family who not only do not love their jobs, they do not even like them. They get little to no satisfaction, only a paycheck. If you find yourself in that situation, you need to find that passion outside of the workplace, whether at home or in a group. Perhaps you sing in a choral group, or you play on a sporting team. As a child, I loved learning the various crafts my mother explored over the years. I did not master most of them, but I loved doing them with mom: decoupage, mosaic, crewel, embroidery, knitting, crochet, painting/antiquing, and sewing were some of the avenues we explored.

It is wonderful to watch my niece explore a number of crafts with her new business, Hilary's Crafty Designs. It is obvious she has found a wonderful way to reach for her dreams. If you find yourself in a rut, perhaps it is time for you to reassess what dreams have been missing from your life. Then challenge yourself to reach for them once again. It will be worth it.

Power and Control and abuse

In the normal course of things, I do not regularly come across any of the variety of situations that represent different types of abuse. However, just lately, they have cropped up on a number of occasions. As I have discussed these with the Pro, it became apparent that he was really only aware of physical abuse. He never really encountered or understood that these other forms of abuse can be as harmful.

I copied this Power and Control wheel from the National Center on Domestic and Sexual Violence. It gives a good summary of many different forms of abuse. A bruise can be obvious; the scar from one of the other forms far less so and often harder to heal.

As I was chatting with someone who was struggling in a relationship, she recognized that most of these were taking place in the relationship. I discussed it with someone else who saw that it was going on with the children in the family. Not all domestic violence is between spouses/partners. Sometimes, the non-physical abuse between parents and children is just as destructive.





































What is missing from this wheel is a component of what they call "male privilege" that can often be found in a religious setting. The authority of the religion is invoked when the decision is removed from the recipient. When it is parent/child, it really is a positional privilege and is committed by either parent. Even as they mature, the child is not allowed to make choices or define himself/herself. 

I watched one family many years ago where, as each child reached the age of 16, they left the home and chose to rebel against their religion as practices by the parents. In church, we frequently talk of our agency or free will but these parents refused to grant the ability to exercise that in any way in the home. They were the only ones who could choose. As a result, each child chose a complete break with the parents once they were old enough to leave home. They did so even though they were still in high school. It was sad to see. I had been friends with one of the girls in the family until she left.

All this abuse is about trying to exert control over another, whether that is the partner or the child. It probably stems from some sort of insecurity, but it also cannot be tolerated. As various organizations are trying to stop the violence and stop us from looking the other way, we also need to remember to look beyond the obvious physical violence to these others. They can be very insidious and hard to see. Remember the old movie, Gaslight? A determined person can often convince someone that they are only imagining what is going on. The flippant joke is just because you are paranoid does not mean they are not out to get you. Abuse is not a joke, it is not love, it is not caring. It is all about power and control. Let's stamp it out.

Book 2, Almost Persuaded, now complete and thoughts on writing

One of the true benefits of semi-retirement is mental time. I find that I spend far less time reading and more time writing than I could have imagined. Right now, I have four books in progress and have just completed publishing book number two at www.dwiggie.com, The Derbyshire Writers' Guild. They are such a fun, supportive community. I have appreciated their support and comments as I've been publishing this book.

If you are interested in reading Almost Persuaded, you can find it at http://www.dwiggie.com/derby/shannag2.htm. My name on the site is ShannaG.

When I was a child, I indulged in what is now called Fan Fiction, but not by writing down my stories. Instead, I would read a book, and then create a way for my friends and I to relive or adapt the book into an afternoon of play. Once I was reading regularly, many of the books I read served as a framework for such games. 

The discovery of Fan Fiction has been wonderful for me. For years, I would re-read my favorite books because I enjoyed the characters. Now, with fan fiction, I can revisit the characters in different scenarios. That is even better. Some of the authors at this site are truly great. All are quite creative. I have read so many wonderful stories. A side benefit of this is that I am not spending quite as much money on books as I have in the past. Since our budget this year is limited, that is a wonderful benefit.

Creating the story out of imagination is so satisfying. Sometimes, I start with some general ideas and build from there. Other times, I start with the idea of interesting pairings, usually when I am crating a mash-up of more than one Jane Austen novel. For my non-Austen work, I spend a lot of time day dreaming the story before actually getting it written. I do that with the Austen too, but if I am following her general plot, I do not have to work all of that out at first as I do non-Austen stories.

I now wish I had told my daughter more stories of my own when she was younger. Practice would have been a good thing. However, I am getting that practice now.

 
 

New Year's Resolutions-Already Abandoned?

Now that the first month of the year is gone, have you already abandoned those overly ambitious and vague resolutions? Many of us have. Vague wishes are not truly resolutions that drive change. So, how do we make our changes come to pass? First, they must not just be vague wishes. We have to want them more than that. And we need a definite plan on how to accomplish them. And we cannot give up.

Here is a good reminder from Zig Ziglar's Facebook page.
 

If you really plan to make a change, it will take time. It will take regular effort, if not daily effort, and commitment. You may make progress, then slip back for a while, then continue forward again. If you take the slipping back as the end, you will fail. You must expect that there will be set backs. Simply do a reset and recommit.

If you look at a resolution as something similar to taking a class in something, you do not achieve mastery in the first day. That day, you usually have an overview of what will be studied in the course of the class. Over the next days, weeks, months, with regular effort, you begin to gain some mastery. This is true whether the subject is athletic, academic, artistic; in short, it takes time to learn.

Is your goal to lose weight? If so, you know you did not gain it all in one day, one week, or even one month. You gained gradually over time. It will required changes to lose it again. Those might be diet modifications, exercise and activity modifications, or a combination of both. You might need the support of a group like weight watchers or a weight buddy. You might want to do it on your own. Maybe you want a journal to track your activity and food or an app on your phone. If this is really your goal, research what will work for you, and then implement that change. When you find yourself backsliding, then is the time to recommit, if you really want that goal. If it is merely something nice that you dream about, that isn't a goal and will likely not be achieved.

I have spent most of my working life saving so that I can have a relatively comfortable life in retirement. Most of the time, I have maxed out the 401 k plan, and, where available, the employee stock purchase plans as well. This meant making a conscious choice to live on less than my income. When the income was higher, this was easier than when it was lower. However, I made that choice and lived on the lower income in those years. Compound savings really can add up. I have not reached the dollar goal I set for myself, but I am fairly close.

In my own life, I have vague dreams and well as true goals. I do not consider the vague dreams to be resolutions. I try to create resolutions for the tangible goals. Thus, I have made far more progress in the latter than the former. If you truly want to change, you can find a way. There are resources available. Find them. Enlist them. Make your goals a reality. You can do it.





 

We can choose our reactions

I have been thinking about choices quite a bit lately. I am helping a few people who have made some poor choices earlier in their lives that now limit the choices they have. A little forethought would have suggested the current situation, but they were unable to step outside themselves to analyze the situation and see it. That is true for many of us.

I remember a lesson from a church class long ago that was on choices. One of the points the teacher made is that we can always choose our response. Many self-help books also point this out, so I was already aware of this. What struck me, and why I remember the lesson, was the woman who completely disavowed that capability. She honestly did not believe that she could choose her response to any situation. Her responses were automatic and not under her control. A lively discussion ensued, but she never changed her mind.

After that lesson, I constantly reminded my daughter of that ability to choose a response. I had talked of it before, but I think I really stressed it afterwards. I know she got tired of hearing it when she said, "You make me so mad" and I replied, "No, you are choosing to respond to the situation with anger."

I am grateful I learned to (usually) choose my responses. I may get angry, but I can choose how to manifest that anger. This was what the woman in the lesson could not understand. While the feeling may be automatic (and that too is subject to debate), the reaction is not. If I am angry, I can yell, cry, stew about the injustice and other similar reactions, or I can analyze why I am angry and determine if there is something productive I can do. Does the situation even require a response? Perhaps just detailing why it is upsetting can defuse it. There are books devoted to this subject, probably because so many of us have not learned how to choose reactions.

In one of his talk-tapes, Zig Ziglar jokes that he never accidentally ate any of the ice cream that caused him to gain some excess pounds. And it was no accident that he wasn't exercising enough to counteract that ice cream. It was a decision each time the spoon went into his mouth. Whether we want to take responsibility or not, we are still the one making the choice.

If you are still in doubt, consider this. When my daughter was in her first class in school, at the age of eight and a half, they were to take part in a dodge ball game for gym. She did not want to play and said so to her teacher. The teacher told her she had to, she had no choice. My daughter disagreed and said (something like), "There is always a choice. I can choose to say no. I cannot choose the outcome as you can punish me, but I can choose not to play. I have been taught I can always choose, but that means I am also choosing the outcome I may not like." Her teacher was astonished and called to tell me of this. She had never had someone that age understand that about choices.

I am writing about this because I am seeing so many adults, who should understand this, who seem to have never learned this lesson. They have never developed the self-discipline to actively make important choices, but they do complain about the results of the poor choices they are making. It is an uphill battle to help them move forward, and that only happens if they are in a place where they want to make changes. Sometimes it is easier to complain than change.