Handling Change

There are always changes going on all around us. Sometimes, the changes others experience also impact us or those with whom we engage. How we handle change, particularly the communications around it, can have a big impact on how others react.

I recently read a post about handling a termination at work. It got me thinking similar situations I have faced. I went through a downsizing where we spent a great deal of time assessing and grading all of our employees. Then, we spent over two days comparing them across groups and deciding which ones we could keep and who would be finding another employment opportunity elsewhere. It was incredibly stressful. What was also hard was that we knew similar actions were going on above us. I do not think anyone enjoyed the process. I had to lay off one employee when we were through. I have followed him on LinkedIn since and know that things worked out well for him. One of the issues was what should be communicated to everyone else. I think it took a number of years for the organization to recover.

A few years ago, I earned a sabbatical at work. This was another period when changes were being considered. Although I was off work for eight weeks and was not supposed to check in, my manager called to tell me that the site at which I was working was closing down. I could transfer (although not back where I had started but to another location) or choose a lay off. After a lot of pondering, we chose the lay off. It was a good choice as I ended up in a wonderful position elsewhere just a couple of months later. There had been more open communication about the possible site closure, so this was not as stressful as the previous time.

Almost all of the work done in my church is done by members of the congregation. We are not paid for our efforts, and we generally don't volunteer. Our leaders prayerfully consider and then ask us if we will accept the position for an unspecified period of time. I have enjoyed some of my positions and some, well, not so much. My favorite was being in the nursery with the toddlers. When changes come, they are announced at the beginning of our meeting. In this way, the entire congregation is aware of the change. Usually, when someone is released from a position, someone replaces them at the same time. This allows for smoother transitions and usually less time for speculation on what is going to happen. However, as with a job, sometimes there is a lot of angst when people begin to speculate on what might happen.

In almost every situation, it seems to me that open communications for all things not confidential provides the best opportunity for a positive outcome. Within a family, it is easier for all to be involved in consideration for a move. It might only involve the parents if a job change is in the works. However, if it includes changing locations as well, you seem to get a better buy in from the rest of the family if they are also involved. If if is a job transfer, you may just have to go-but maybe everyone can be involved in choosing a new home or apartment, in which part of the new city, etc. Part of the issue with change is the feeling of powerlessness. Powerlessness equals stress. If you feel some degree of control and choice, the stress decreases.

Personally, when a major change is going on, I spend a lot of time in meditation trying to determine how best to handle it. I may visit the temple or fast if I feel I am not getting the answers I need. Generally, I get a confirmation that removes much of the stress. If we do not find a way to positively handle change, the stress will take a toll on our health. I allowed it to do so when I was younger but am glad I have learned better coping mechanisms since.

Charity never faileth

The motto for the Relief Society of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is "Charity never faileth." This is the organization of all adult women of the church.

This comes from the description of love or charity in 1 Corinthians 13:8. In some more modern translations of The Bible, Charity is translated as Love. How do we see this motto operating in our lives? I have seen it in so many ways this past year as I have been president of the organization in my ward at church.

We have had a few funerals and memorial services. That is to be expected in a congregation that includes a couple of nursing/retirement homes and with significant numbers of members well into their nineties. We pull together in these times to comfort and feed the living, and to remember the deceased. For each service, the women I work with have helped set up, provided food, and cleaned up when everything was done. Sometimes we were able to sit through the service, sometimes we were in the kitchen listening. In all cases, the service was done with love.

Visiting teachers in Relief Society are assigned to watch over every adult woman. In the best of cases, they become friends. A woman who encounters a challenge can call upon her visiting teacher to ask for assistance and knows that someone will help. If the need is greater than the visiting teacher can meet, she contacts me or one of my counselors to coordinate additional assistance. We have two women who coordinate a variety of compassionate services, from meals at the funerals, to meals or help in the home for those who are ill. I know we can call on almost anyone at church and, if they are able they will provide assistance.

In other cases, the women do not become friends, but even so, they still care for each other and meet the needs of the sisters they visit. We try to set it up so that everyone has two visiting teachers who visit together, but that is not always possible. In our congregation, there are over 160 women to visit, and there are about forty women who are available to visit. Some work so many hours, they can only visit one or two. Others have a little more flexibility. But, if they visit in pairs, that means twenty pairs to visit eight women each-that's a little overwhelming.

Many of the women we have stewardship to watch over no longer come to church. they have not disassociated themselves, but they no longer feel the need to attend. Some of them welcome visits, others do not. Those that do not have visiting teachers who send a note instead of visiting in person. Others have moved and are visited by friends or family through Facebook or by phone. My goal is that all of these women know that there is someone at church they could call upon if a need arose.

One aspect of my job as president is to try to search out the lost sheep-those who no longer join our fellowship but have not chosen to have their names removed from membership. I hope we can love them back into participating. We send birthday cards to everyone and when someone moves, they eventually are returned as unforwardable. then, I spend time online doing research to see if I can locate them. In the past year, I have been able to find new addresses for about twenty women. Since I use free resources, it takes about a year after they move before I can get an updated address. I am grateful for these various search engines that help me locate the lost sheep. If all of the visiting teachers could visit in person, this would be a lot easier. However, that is not always possible. I also ask our sister missionaries to visit some of the unknown each month. Sometimes they are welcomed, sometimes not. My goal is that everyone gets a live visit once or twice a year-even the half dozen who are not really receptive.

Charity is so much more than donating unwanted clothes or a few dollars to a good cause. Those new translations that call it love are correct. True charity is love as Christ loves us. As we grow closer to the Savior, we hope to grow more like him. Showing love as he does is one way to demonstrate that growth. I know this calling has helped me grow in love and service. I am grateful that we have an organization that tries to live the motto and looks to love. I am also grateful for a ward family in which to learn to better serve and love.

Father or Dad?

On Father's Day, I saw a number of memes in Facebook that announce how wonderful it is to have a Dad, and not just a Father. They are calling attention to the fact that being a biological contributor is different than being Dad. Most males can sire a child; many choose to become Dad.

My dad was a complicated man in many ways. His parents were not demonstrative with emotions so Dad always found that somewhat challenging. I often feared that his love was conditional, that I would do something to make him stop loving me. He never did. In fact, when I was seeing a counselor once, he assured me that it would not change things for him if I needed to hate him as I came to a resolution on certain issues. He recognized that, although he had done his best, he had probably been the cause of some of the issues. More than anything else, that statement helped me realize that, even though he could not show it, his love truly was unconditional.

My dad was quite opinionated and a very forceful personality. In order to feel more secure, I had to work hard to become independent and not look to him for answers and support. He still gave support, but I learned I could do what I thought was right even when he disagreed with me. For example, I chose to be home with my daughter for the first few years of her life. I contributed to our finances by giving piano and guitar lessons and providing daycare for a friend. I also did some freelance paralegal work. I did not make as much as I had when working full time, but I felt my responsibility as a mom was more important than the extra money. Dad disagreed. He actually told me that anyone could care for her, but no one else could make my contribution. He was quite happy when I chose to return to the corporate world for a few years, and again disapproving when I dropped out to homeschool and run my own business.

In spite of our disagreements, there was never any question that my father was a 'dad.' While he did not attend my sporting events or concerts, he gave me opportunities and encouragement in expanding my horizons and allowing me to take risks. Mom and Dad let me fly to Georgia on my own to attend the Southeastern Language Center at UGA when I was 14. When my cousin married in Seattle, I flew by myself to attend the wedding because no one else in my family could get away. I spent 8 weeks after high school graduation in Europe with a friend-with no parents around. They did not take me to college, I flew out on my own and settled in. They helped me develop confidence that I was capable and could handle whatever came my way.
 
We have political financial policies in place that discourage Dads in low income families from being active participants. For 50 years now, we have encouraged the development of single parent families and discouraged the responsibility of Dad. We are reaping the harvest in children with no male role model, in families discouraged to move out of welfare because the costs will be prohibitive, and a culture that wrings its hands at the difficulties of life. When most families had a Dad, although life was not idyllic, it had a better chance to approach a positive direction. Now, the challenges just continue to increase.

I am old-fashioned in feeling that children do better in a family with a Mom and a Dad. My personal preference is that Mom be female and Dad male, but that is only my preference. If both Mom and Dad are of the same sex, that is their own business not mine. I love seeing a family where children have the support, encouragement, and love of at least two parents. With so many blended families and non-traditional families, children can end up with three, four, or more loving Moms and Dads. I think the more loving role models we have for children, the better the chances that they can grow up to be relatively healthy, productive, and happy people. So, with Father's Day yesterday, I am happy to celebrate all Dads who provide love and happiness for the children in their lives.   




 

Memorial Day and love

Greater love hath no man than that he lay down his life for another. Memorial Day in the US celebrates those that have paid that ultimate sacrifice that me may enjoy the freedoms and blessings of living here. The families that lost these love ones also made that ultimate sacrifice-their lives were forever changed.

Yesterday, I spoke at church on charity. I did not talk about charitable acts or contributions, but mostly on charity as an active form of love. In a variety of scriptures, we are promised many blessings and protection as we exercise charity or develop the pure love of Christ. One of the scriptural definitions of charity is the pure love of Christ.

When we are able to love others as Christ loves us, we are demonstrating His love. When we accept others, with their quirks and foibles, and can love them anyway, we are learning to love as He loves.

Those that have given their lives to allow us to live ours have demonstrated that charity. This includes soldiers, first responders, and others that lay down their lives to save others. Those attempting to help in Nepal after the disastrous earthquake are examples of that love. Those lost, such as the helicopter squad, paid the ultimate price for their service.

As we enjoy our freedoms, perhaps with parades, barbecues, or the 'unofficial' start to summer, let us remember and give thanks to those who have made this celebration possible. We are truly blessed by their love and sacrifice.

Lifelong Learning

Are you a life-long learner or did you decide you had learned all you needed to when you finished school? If you quit learning long ago, you might want to rethink that strategy. Learning does not need to take place in a classroom, but, for optimal brain health, you want to continue to learn an challenge your brain.

I went to college for a liberal arts education. Shortly after graduating, I realized that, although i had done well, there were still too many areas of knowledge where I knew too little to be truly educated. We purchased The Harvard Classics and The Great Books. I read most of the latter and about half of the former. This took about two years. As I finished this project, I felt much better educated about both Western thought and literature. Since I had studied primarily Asian history in college, I felt this helped round out my formal education.

The various careers I have pursued have all required classes and training. A career in information technology requires acquisition of new skills at least annually, if not more often. Changes in technology can be very challenging and can keep your brain sharp. Things change so quickly, that this requirement for updating knowledge is true in every field.

Other ways to continue to learn might be in skill areas such as new crafts, music, gardening, cooking, or other hobbies. Just like with our muscles, are brains are designed for challenge. If we don't challenge our capacities, we may find them diminishing. I regularly experiment with new recipes. I like to do puzzles which challenge my brain in different ways. O do a fair amount of studying on a regular basis. And my new hobby of writing definitely challenges both my language skills and my creativity.

Lifelong learning is not only important to us, it is also important the those of younger generations around us. School may not be the most important place to teach children how to learn; that may be the home. If parents model learning, children may incorporate its importance in their own lives. Mastering a new skill is as important when one if 50 or 80 as it was when one was 10. I continue to practice foreign language skills so as not to completely lose the competence I have gained. I am no longer fluent, but I can still get by in them. At different times, I actually study them again so as to try to improve.

Lifelong learning and challenges lead to a joyful life. Seize every opportunity to expand your horizons. You won't regret it.