Monday, June 22, 2015

Father or Dad?

On Father's Day, I saw a number of memes in Facebook that announce how wonderful it is to have a Dad, and not just a Father. They are calling attention to the fact that being a biological contributor is different than being Dad. Most males can sire a child; many choose to become Dad.



My dad was a complicated man in many ways. His parents were not demonstrative with emotions so Dad always found that somewhat challenging. I often feared that his love was conditional, that I would do something to make him stop loving me. He never did. In fact, when I was seeing a counselor once, he assured me that it would not change things for him if I needed to hate him as I came to a resolution on certain issues. He recognized that, although he had done his best, he had probably been the cause of some of the issues. More than anything else, that statement helped me realize that, even though he could not show it, his love truly was unconditional.

My dad was quite opinionated and a very forceful personality. In order to feel more secure, I had to work hard to become independent and not look to him for answers and support. He still gave support, but I learned I could do what I thought was right even when he disagreed with me. For example, I chose to be home with my daughter for the first few years of her life. I contributed to our finances by giving piano and guitar lessons and providing daycare for a friend. I also did some freelance paralegal work. I did not make as much as I had when working full time, but I felt my responsibility as a mom was more important than the extra money. Dad disagreed. He actually told me that anyone could care for her, but no one else could make my contribution. He was quite happy when I chose to return to the corporate world for a few years, and again disapproving when I dropped out to homeschool and run my own business.

In spite of our disagreements, there was never any question that my father was a 'dad.' While he did not attend my sporting events or concerts, he gave me opportunities and encouragement in expanding my horizons and allowing me to take risks. Mom and Dad let me fly to Georgia on my own to attend the Southeastern Language Center at UGA when I was 14. When my cousin married in Seattle, I flew by myself to attend the wedding because no one else in my family could get away. I spent 8 weeks after high school graduation in Europe with a friend-with no parents around. They did not take me to college, I flew out on my own and settled in. They helped me develop confidence that I was capable and could handle whatever came my way.
 
We have political financial policies in place that discourage Dads in low income families from being active participants. For 50 years now, we have encouraged the development of single parent families and discouraged the responsibility of Dad. We are reaping the harvest in children with no male role model, in families discouraged to move out of welfare because the costs will be prohibitive, and a culture that wrings its hands at the difficulties of life. When most families had a Dad, although life was not idyllic, it had a better chance to approach a positive direction. Now, the challenges just continue to increase.

I am old-fashioned in feeling that children do better in a family with a Mom and a Dad. My personal preference is that Mom be female and Dad male, but that is only my preference. If both Mom and Dad are of the same sex, that is their own business not mine. I love seeing a family where children have the support, encouragement, and love of at least two parents. With so many blended families and non-traditional families, children can end up with three, four, or more loving Moms and Dads. I think the more loving role models we have for children, the better the chances that they can grow up to be relatively healthy, productive, and happy people. So, with Father's Day yesterday, I am happy to celebrate all Dads who provide love and happiness for the children in their lives.