Power and Control and abuse

In the normal course of things, I do not regularly come across any of the variety of situations that represent different types of abuse. However, just lately, they have cropped up on a number of occasions. As I have discussed these with the Pro, it became apparent that he was really only aware of physical abuse. He never really encountered or understood that these other forms of abuse can be as harmful.

I copied this Power and Control wheel from the National Center on Domestic and Sexual Violence. It gives a good summary of many different forms of abuse. A bruise can be obvious; the scar from one of the other forms far less so and often harder to heal.

As I was chatting with someone who was struggling in a relationship, she recognized that most of these were taking place in the relationship. I discussed it with someone else who saw that it was going on with the children in the family. Not all domestic violence is between spouses/partners. Sometimes, the non-physical abuse between parents and children is just as destructive.





































What is missing from this wheel is a component of what they call "male privilege" that can often be found in a religious setting. The authority of the religion is invoked when the decision is removed from the recipient. When it is parent/child, it really is a positional privilege and is committed by either parent. Even as they mature, the child is not allowed to make choices or define himself/herself. 

I watched one family many years ago where, as each child reached the age of 16, they left the home and chose to rebel against their religion as practices by the parents. In church, we frequently talk of our agency or free will but these parents refused to grant the ability to exercise that in any way in the home. They were the only ones who could choose. As a result, each child chose a complete break with the parents once they were old enough to leave home. They did so even though they were still in high school. It was sad to see. I had been friends with one of the girls in the family until she left.

All this abuse is about trying to exert control over another, whether that is the partner or the child. It probably stems from some sort of insecurity, but it also cannot be tolerated. As various organizations are trying to stop the violence and stop us from looking the other way, we also need to remember to look beyond the obvious physical violence to these others. They can be very insidious and hard to see. Remember the old movie, Gaslight? A determined person can often convince someone that they are only imagining what is going on. The flippant joke is just because you are paranoid does not mean they are not out to get you. Abuse is not a joke, it is not love, it is not caring. It is all about power and control. Let's stamp it out.